Race with Ryan

[regemond]

Don't. Just don't play it.

 

Oh you want more than that? OK. I've quite happily played some god-awful games in my time. In most cases I'll get a kick out of how janky they are, or how bad the graphics are, but I'll usually find something to enjoy on a gameplay level. I'm quite easily pleased with most games.

 

But this? I need to clarify, I literally only played this because I knew I could get 1000g in a couple of hours (one of my mates bragged about the fact he got more than me last month, so I'm getting as many as I can to quiet him down, even if it's on titles like this.) The whole time I wanted to scoop my eyeballs and eardrums out.

 

I've legitimately seen better graphics in phone games. The sounds are atrociously bad, repeating on an every-few-second loop that pushes your mind to the dark depths of insanity like nothing before. Every time you get or fire a weapon, this annoying little child - who I'm 100% sure will make a fascinating case on a psychology documentary one day - pops up in the corner of the screen with an awful bitrate soundbite. 

 

Those weapons are picked up from a Mario Kart-like random box. Or in this case, an egg. An egg that coincidentally looks like one of the Ryan's World blind bag things. That's the level of insidious selling we're dealing with here. Luckily, there are no microtransactions to be seen, so I suppose that's one thing we can be happy with.

 

There are four courses total spread across six tournaments, all with three levels of difficulty. None of that is a typo. The four courses mix it up by occasionally giving you a reverse version to cruise through. Sometimes you'll start a cup playing a course in one direction, and finish it on race 4 by playing in the other.

 

Look, if I played this and I thought kids could find some enjoyment from it, I'd genuinely say so. But I really can't recommend avoiding this thing enough. There are two reasons I'm writing this post. One - for you all to get an opportunity to laugh at my idiocy of playing it for a quick 1000g. Two - to dissuade anybody here who has kids and is thinking of downloading this for them.

 

Pick up the average Team Sonic Racing for a few quid. Hell, go to CEX and get Sonic Racing Transformed if you have to. Just don't let your children be subjected to this shit. Not even for the three and a bit hours it takes to rinse all the achievements. Anyway, on to Paw Patrol for me. I actually got some modicum of enjoyment from the first one, so it should be much less stressful than this shit show. Don't judge me.